Thursday, July 31, 2014

Until we meet again sweet baby!

Disclaimer: this post may have some gross (to some) remarks about the process of miscarriage.  I want this post to be real with real emotions, so I am going to be point blank with some things.
 
 
I don't at all know how to start this post so I am just going to start with Wednesday. 
 
 
Wednesday:  I woke up without any issues.  It wasn't till lunch time when I became concerned.  The bleeding was much more substantial.  Although it only happened once that afternoon, I lost my stomach, and instantly called the dr.  I told the dr. that I wasn't sure what the right protocol for this was.  Did he even want to know?  They told me to take off work Thursday and come in for an ultrasound at 10:30.  That evening things seemed better.  I thought, they are gonna laugh at me tomorrow, tell me everything is fine, and that I am just being a typical over-reacting mom to be.  But then it got worse and I think I knew something wasn't right.  I layed there in bed trying to envision the ultrasound and how I would act with either the good or the bad news. 
 
Thursday:  I made it through the night without anything major, but it wasn't long before the bleeding began again.  I took pictures and texted them to my mom and friends.  All were expecting the pictures to be better than they were.  I could hear the concern in their texts.  Sonia arrived early to watch the boys and to allow me to take it easy until the appointment.  I headed to the dr's office early; hoping they could maybe start the ultrasound sooner than expected. 
 
Steven had to work. I was by myself.  It was 9:53 and I sat in the parking lot waiting to go in.  I wanted a minute to myself first.  I turned on my iTunes music and sat and made it halfway through the first song before the tears began to flow.  I already knew.  It was just going to soon be confirmed.  I pulled myself together and headed in.  Of course they were running a little bit behind.  I sat there in the waiting room and listened to a group of young girls talking about how much they wanted her friend to have twin girls.  The friend was already in the ultrasound room finding out the sex of the baby. One said that the "friend" had already decided that if one was a boy and the other was a girl, she would be giving the boy to somebody else.  I sat and thought about how selfish they were, and how much I just wanted to see a tiny heartbeat on my own baby.  My stomach began to hurt when 10:30 came around.  I let the ladies at the front desk know that I was heading to the restroom.  The bleeding was even worse at this point. As I washed my hands and dried them with the paper towels there, I noticed that they were much softer paper towels than normal.  I decided that i better place one in my pocket just in case I needed a tissue.
I returned to the waiting room and the ultrasound tech soon called my name.  I was thankful that it was the sweet tech that I am used to having.  The room was dim.  I set my purse on the chair.  The tech asked, "so you are having a little bit of bleeding?".  I told her yes and that it seemed to be getting progressively worse.  I began to get teary and said that I brought a tissue just in case.  She began to get nervous.  I think she knew something wasn't right too.  She looked. I looked at the monitor and knew what I was looking at.  I could see the baby, but I could not see the heart beating.  She soon confirmed that she was concerned.  I had already had an US at 6 weeks and was able to see the heartbeat.  She said that they baby had stopped growing at 7 weeks and 5 days.  3 weeks ago from today.  I cried.  I was thankful for my tissue.  I had to sit up because I honestly felt like my chest was heavy.  It was hard to breathe.  We talked some.  She was so nice.  I was thankful for her.  We did a more thorough ultrasound.  As she got started she asked if she could turn off the monitor that is displayed overhead so that I couldn't see the baby.  I cried and said that was fine.  She took lots of pictures.  I cried as silent as I could.  It wasn't long until she was done and I was in the exam room talking with the dr.  The dr. was also very kind.  I headed out the door with tears in my eyes and sat in the car for about an hour as I called family and friends to let them know that we lost the baby.  They were hard calls to make.  Most everyone was very supportive and very sorry for our loss.
It didn't really hit me until later that day.  Around 1:30 in the afternoon I started to feel a little more pain and cramping.  A physical reminder that my baby is no longer with us and that he or she is already in heaven waiting to one day greet us.  I started thinking about how happy I was that the baby is with Jesus; that the baby will never have to feel the pain of this world or pain at all; and that he or she is happy.  But then I thought about how sad I was to never be able to hold the baby; feel the baby kick; or even know if it was a boy or a girl.  For some reason that last one is the hardest.  I feel like he or she should have a name.  Even if I gave the baby a unisex name, I can't really envision the babies true identity without knowing if it was a boy or a girl. 
Anyways...I told Parker what was going on, bc he kept asking about the baby and why I was sad.  I explained that the baby had died.  He cried and asked why a lot.  I explained with heavy flowing tears that God has a plan for us all, and that He is all knowing.  He knows best.  I explained that the baby was probably not going to be completely healthy and that God decided to save the baby from that pain.  I talked about heaven and being united again there.  We talked about how much more fun it will be to know that whenever we die, we will have a baby sibling waiting for us.  Parker then asked if the baby was having fun and sleeping on a cloud.  I cried as I answered yes.  I know that that is not an exaggeration.  He or she is having a blast.  And I am so thankful that the first person this baby will ever meet is Jesus.  What an amazing thing!
We went to dinner to distract ourselves later that evening.  My mom and dad came up to meet us and take the boys out to their place.  They knew that with three young boys in the house, it might be harder to concentrate on the grieving process.  It was hard for me to let them go with them, bc a part of me wanted to cling to them for dear life.  They are my world and in sad times, I want them right next to me.  But...I also knew that I needed some time.  I decided to let them go. 
After dinner, we went to walmart.  I had to pick up afew things to get me through the next few days.  I started with coffee.  Coffee is a definite stress reliever for me.  As I walked to the coffee isle, I was saddened by the fact that I don't have to worry about my caffeine intake anymore.  I saw babies in carseat carriers and felt saddened that I wouldn't have this little baby to tote around in one of those heavy contraptions.  I bought feminine pads and was saddened by the thought of the pain the passing would cause physically and emotionally.  I checked out at the register and looked down at my belly.  I thought, this cashier doesn't even know that I was just pregnant.  That this belly isn't just fat.  That I am not just about to start my period.  I am losing...well I have lost my baby.  It broke my heart.
i walked to the car with a heavy heart...even felt light headed.  I saw another brand new baby sleeping peacefully.  I thought about our baby and hoped that she is sleeping like that on a cloud like Parker envisioned.  I responded to multiple texts of sympathy on the ride home and I cried some more. 
I got home and put on some pjs.  As I saw my maternity pants sitting on the floor, I thought, I guess I wont need those anymore.   All of these little reminders.  It is so very hard!!!  I have cried more today than I ever have.  And the worst part of it all is this.  And this is where It may get a little graphic.  I get to watch this baby leave my body.  With every bloody wipe.  No funeral or normal way to care for a deceased body.  I have to flush it down the toilet.  It just doesn't seem natural.  
I have yet to ask why or say that this isn't fair.  I am not mad that this has happened.  Just so sad.  Life is ugly sometimes.  I am just so thankful that God is there to pick up the ugly pieces and one day make them perfect again.  I trust in God's plan and know that he knows all.  I rejoice in the fact that He has taken our baby home to be with him in a wonderful place.  We will meet one day.  But for now, I am heartbroken but not broken by this loss.  God is with me along this journey. 
 
Until we meet again sweet baby!  We love you very much and will never EVER forget you!