I am going to try not to be too graphic for the squeamish folks out there, but again, feel that I need to let people know how this process can be for some. I had no idea!
Yesterday started off much better! I was just so much stronger emotionally. I was sad still, but I could hold it together. I felt like the tears came in waves, but not a tsunami like yesterday.
My friend Ashley texted me early that morning and asked, "How was your night?". My response kind of sums it up well. I said...
" Fell asleep at 12:30. Slept till 6:15. My eyes are ten times their normal size. Fell asleep with my hand on my belly...but that being said a hard night has led to a better morning. I feel that God has already started to heal. It will be a long road ahead...one I never thought would be so hard. I am so thankful that this happened as early as it did. The hurt has hit me hard...and I thought that I'd be so much stronger. I can't imagine the pain that people feel that are even further along or who have had to bury a child. But I keep thinking of that verse, "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you"...and that makes me again realize even more that this was A baby...GOD'S child...MY baby. It hurts to know that I won't get to say a real goodbye. And my nose hurts...I look like Rudolph."
The day went on with mild cramping and waves of tears. It wasn't until 7:30 when the real hard stuff began. I am going to try not to be my usual nurse self and give every detail, but I want to give a look into just how hard this was for me.
When the process really began, it was as though I had turned on a faucet. I ran to the nearest bathroom, which happened to be where Steven was showering after getting home from work. Steven is very private person and very squeamish. I was concerned at what his reaction would be seeing me in there. But honestly, I am so thankful that he didn't really have a choice. He was in there as I passed the actual baby. It was small...tan...like a bean. He saw me cry with every wipe. It comforted me to know that I wasn't in this alone. That he was seeing the visual that I had no choice but to see.
The bleeding was so much more severe than anyone had explained to me. I am a nurse and have been for 9 years. My background is critical care. I am very used to blood and I don't panic. I have had 3 wonderful kids without any epidural. I say this to show that I am not now being dramatic. It was just a horrendous experience.
I was no longer teary, bc I had already passed the baby. At this point I was just concerned. Was this really normal I thought? I showered in the beginning thinking that I might just feel better. But the bleeding was so severe that I couldn't even get out of the shower. It covered by legs instantly. I kept turning the water on and off again hoping it would slow. It never did. By 9 I was finally out of the shower and trying to lie still. It came with a vengeance. It couldn't be contained. I was flooding everything. I ended up in the ER because things just never got better. Of course, things slowed down as soon as I got to the hospital. But, I didn't even care that I couldn't show how much I was bleeding at home. I was just thankful it was done. The last episode before I left for the hospital had me so scared. I felt like I was going to pass out at any moment. I had diarrhea. I was nauseas. I was so pale. I was tired mentally, physically, and emotionally.
The hospital was AMAZING. Quick, easy, painless. They did several things, but most importantly informed me that it looked as though everything had passed. I was so thankful. I went home wearing a diaper. I was also thankful for that. I laughed as I was getting dressed and told Steven that I hope this is the only time he'd have to see me in a diaper until I was old and gray.
I went home and slept for 4 hrs. I woke up some, still scared. Still afraid to move. When I did wake up for the morning I could tell my blood levels were low. Still pale, nauseas, upset stomach, etc. I went to the bathroom and had one more episode. This time with dry heaves at the same time. After all of that, I did feel better. The pain through the whole thing was pretty minimal. It was just the bleeding that was so difficult.
We got in the car to head back to my mom and dad's house. The kids were there. Steven had to work and I didn't want to be alone. As we drove I saw that I still had blood on the soles of my feet from the whole experience. My legs, my back, and even my fingernails had some too. I tried to clean as well as I could, but it took so much energy. Energy that I honestly still don't have.
No one could have prepared me for last night. It was the worst and scariest day of my life. And the hard thing was that I didn't get anything in return. With my other natural deliveries, I stayed so strong because of the gift received in the end. This left me with fear and sadness.
But, now...I am just so thankful.
Thankful it is over.
Thankful it wasn't drawn out over several days.
Thankful that I didn't have to go through this at home and still require a D&C.
Thankful honestly for diapers for that helped me sleep.
Thankful for my husband who had to see things I know he didn't want to see, and who has been by my side every step of the way. He is such a gift.
And Thankful for my mom who has worked so hard watching the boys, keeping me safe, and emotionally sound. I don't know what I would do without her.
Thankful for my 3 beautiful boys that feel me with such happiness.
Thankful for my 69 year old dad that still runs races with the boys in the back yard to keep them busy.
Thankful for all of the support I have been given. From sisters and family, to friends on facebook. It has helped a ton.
We have decided that maybe soon when everyone is feeling better, that maybe we will release some balloons as a family, or plant a tree. Not sure exactly how we will say a final goodbye, but we will. It is just so hard figuring out what feels right. And let me just say this. If you are going through this and don't know what to do, just remember that this is your journey (and your family's). Even if something seems weird, it is ok. If it makes things easier, don't worry about weird. Worry about the peace it will bring.